Disclaimer: There is probability that you might find it offensive. Not for the weak hearted!
WHAT:
Two basic necessities of human existence after breathing are Eating (IN) and Crapping (OUT) Both a joyous occasion if the spices are right, which we painfully realized.
WHERE:
We rarely took national highways and stayed on smaller inner roads… hence when we would get hungry there would be no restaurant… Your choice of IN would be dhabas or village lunch homes… where you cannot order rather you ate what was cooked … and what is available depended on the region, the season, and the latest harvest….
The lack of choice though frustrating taught us the need to ‘give up control’… Life felt great once we accepted that. Once in a while we would be served food by someone we would have befriended. These experiences were the best as it was served with a lot of love, affection and tons of questions.
Within the first week on the trip, out of necessity the OUT had to happen out in the open. Having experienced the pleasure of ‘doing it in the open’, we never sought European or Indian toilets again.
WHEN:
There was more or less no routine to the IN. However OUT had a routine. It would happen around mid morning/early afternoon…. by then we would have had 2-3 cups of hot tea which would get our bowel movements kick started combined with about 4hrs of even vibration out of sitting on the bike (kinda would feel like workers mixing concrete with a vibrator to make sure no air gaps are left) a bunch of nice big potholes to give the extra push, jerk…. And presto!!! We are ready….
The OUT experience:
You are on your way… cruising comfortably between 80-100 kms/hr… somewhere with enough tea, vibration you know you are ready….
You down throttle to a scouting speed of about 50-45 km/hr. Observe and understand the topography, and isolate specifics (be it trees, bushes, open fields) and you are ready for selection.
You idle the engine to an immediate stopping speed of about 35-30 kms/hr and have to be alert to look for a specific spot.
Stop….
Hopefully you have done it in time and there are no emergencies… you untie the emergency bag with a snap and out pops the toilet paper. Initially a leaves were used instead of toilet paper but were discontinued due to the following reasons:
1. Need not be available within arms reach. Resulting in squat-walk with pants down, not exactly desirable.
2. Might not be locally available in all areas i.e. rann of kutch
3. You might run the risk of them being contaminated due to worms etc.
4. Ones next to dusty roads in UP, Bihar had dust settlement and were dirty.
Sometimes its hurried sometimes not…. But before the release… if and when you get a ‘thanda hava ka jaukha’ the feeling is indescribable in words….
One of the greatest experiences that I miss coming back to urbania from this trip is the greatness of the feeling of crapping.
Factors affecting OUT: Mostly it was dependent on the IN, however it was also dependent on the following:
1. Outside temperature: When it would be too cold/hot it would ensure limited time exposure of sensitive skin. However, when the temperature is right and
2. The wind: Mostly in the Saurastra and Kutch belt when it would be hot and a nice breeze would blow by
3. Location based:
i. Behind a tree: every once in a while the fields would have been harvested, the land flat and the only option one is left is to try and hide behind a tree… this would lead to an embarrassment based anxiety output lest someone would drive past or worst someone would ride by / walk by merrily singing a song.
ii. Open field with a tall crop (i.e. sugarcane): This though being visually secure would lead to a squeezed output due to a constant trying to make space for yourself within a close grid of crops. It would be a pleasant surprise to find a small clearing amongst the tall sugarcanes.
iii. Open field with a tall crop harvested (i.e. sugarcane, bajra etc): Beware! This situation is the most dangerous for the first timers. Make sure you look before you sit down… the freshly harvested stems are real sharp!
iv. Behind a shrub: This is the most desirable especially if the shrub is more than 36”-48” high and covers you visually. Note: make sure the bush is not thorny (ref. point above)
Other things to keep in mind:
1. Keep a stick handy. Lest a inquisitive dog / fox would pass by
2. Be quick or be ready for flies. Especially the blue bottle flies. They love the smell and most of the times before you finish they are there.
3. Be on your toes or be exposed: You never know who, when and from where might be passing by.
4. Look around before you sit: You don’t want someone running after you with a sikle with your pants down.
5. Look on the horizon before you sit: While you are chilling lost in thought you don’t want to wake up to find yourself next to a herd of cattle
6. Lastly make sure you are squatting on a higher ground and the free fall is on lower ground to avoid smears.
